{"id":4832,"date":"2026-01-25T11:26:09","date_gmt":"2026-01-25T11:26:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/?p=4832"},"modified":"2026-01-25T11:26:20","modified_gmt":"2026-01-25T11:26:20","slug":"ben-asiye-36-yasindayim","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/ben-asiye-36-yasindayim\/","title":{"rendered":"Ben Asiye, 36 ya\u015f\u0131nday\u0131m"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Ben Asiye. 36 ya\u015f\u0131nday\u0131m. Bu k\u00f6yde tek ba\u015f\u0131ma ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Ev sessiz, yatak so\u011fuk. \u0130nsan zamanla yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor san\u0131yor ama do\u011fru de\u011fil. Al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yor, sadece i\u00e7ine g\u00f6m\u00fcyor. Bir kad\u0131n da olsam, y\u0131llard\u0131r kimse sa\u00e7\u0131m\u0131 ok\u015famad\u0131, elimi tutmad\u0131.
\nBazen geceleri uykum ka\u00e7\u0131yor; i\u00e7im yan\u0131yor ama kimse duymuyor.<\/p>\n

Tek dostum \u00e7ocukluk arkada\u015f\u0131m G\u00fclizar. O evli. Kocas\u0131 Ali\u2026 a\u011f\u0131rba\u015fl\u0131, temiz y\u00fczl\u00fc. Bir bak\u0131\u015f\u0131 bile insan\u0131n i\u00e7ine i\u015fler. Onlar\u0131n evine gidip gelmeye ba\u015flad\u0131k\u00e7a i\u00e7imde k\u00f6t\u00fc bir \u015fey uyand\u0131.
\nBast\u0131rmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, \u201cG\u00fcnah,\u201d dedim, \u201co senin arkada\u015f\u0131n\u0131n kocas\u0131.\u201d Ama kalbim susmad\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc y\u0131llard\u0131r unutmu\u015ftum bir kad\u0131n olarak g\u00f6r\u00fclmenin ne demek oldu\u011funu.<\/p>\n

Bir g\u00fcn G\u00fclizar hasta d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. Ali beni \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131.
\n\u00c7orba yapt\u0131m, ate\u015fini \u00f6l\u00e7t\u00fcm. Gece ilerledi. G\u00fclizar uyuyordu. Ali kap\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131nda, sessizce oturuyordu. Ellerimi sobaya do\u011fru uzatt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda arkamdan yakla\u015ft\u0131.
\nHi\u00e7 konu\u015fmad\u0131k. Ama nefesini ensemde hissettim. O an hem korktum, hem de i\u00e7imde saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131m o yan\u0131k d\u00fcrt\u00fc daha fazla susmad\u0131. \u201cBirisi beni istesin,\u201d dedim i\u00e7imden. \u201cBir kere olsun.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

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<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

O g\u00fcnden sonra g\u00f6z g\u00f6ze gelmeler uzad\u0131. Elim eline de\u011fse \u00e7ekemedim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc y\u0131llard\u0131r kimse bana kad\u0131n oldu\u011fumu hat\u0131rlatmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sadece bir insan de\u011fil, bir bedene, bir sevgiye ihtiyac\u0131m vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Sonra G\u00fclizar annesinin yan\u0131na gitti. \u201cAsiye, ara s\u0131ra pi\u015firdi\u011fin \u00e7orba falan olursa Aliye de ver ,\u201d dedi.
\nBen sadece ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 sallad\u0131m. \u0130\u00e7im \u00e7oktan kar\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u2026 O gece Ali\u2019nin benim kap\u0131m\u0131 mutlaka \u00e7alaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bekliyordum ama gelmedi, dayanamad\u0131m bir \u00e7orba yapt\u0131m bir taba\u011fa koydum g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcm, i\u00e7eri gelsene dedi, \u00e7ok heycanland\u0131m, elimdeki taba\u011f\u0131 ald\u0131 masaya b\u0131rak\u0131r b\u0131rakmaz beniii\u2026.
\n<\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

Ali taba\u011f\u0131 masaya b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda i\u00e7imdeki ses susmuyordu.
\nO ise h\u00e2l\u00e2 sessizdi. Sanki kelimeler bo\u011faz\u0131na d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlenmi\u015fti.
\nY\u00fcre\u011fim g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcmden d\u0131\u015far\u0131 f\u0131rlayacak gibiydi.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u0130stersen otur,\u201d dedi. Sesi ne s\u0131cak, ne so\u011fuktu\u2026 sadece yorgundu.
\nSanki y\u0131llard\u0131r kimseye anlatmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir y\u00fck vard\u0131 i\u00e7inde.<\/p>\n

Oturmad\u0131m. Sandalyenin ucuna ili\u015ftim sadece.
\nSoban\u0131n i\u00e7indeki odunlar \u00e7\u0131t\u0131rdarken evin duvarlar\u0131na uzun g\u00f6lgeler d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyordu.
\nSessizlik, bazen bir \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131ktan daha a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131r.
\nO gece \u00f6yle bir sessizlik \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc ki, nefesler bile birbirine kar\u0131\u015fmadan yank\u0131 yap\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n

Ali g\u00f6zlerime bakt\u0131. Ka\u00e7amad\u0131m.
\n\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc o bak\u0131\u015fta hem su\u00e7, hem merhamet, hem de derin bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131k vard\u0131.
\nKimse yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n sadece bana ait oldu\u011funu sanmas\u0131n\u2026
\nO an anlad\u0131m: Yaln\u0131zl\u0131k, kad\u0131n ya da erkek ay\u0131rm\u0131yor; bir g\u00f6lge gibi hepimizin pe\u015finden geliyor.<\/p>\n

\u201cBiliyorum\u2026\u201d dedi k\u0131s\u0131k bir sesle, \u201czor.\u201d
\nNe zor oldu\u011funu s\u00f6ylemedi.
\nBelki de s\u00f6ylemesine gerek yoktu.
\n\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc zor olan; g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz ama dokunamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z mutluluk, i\u00e7imizde b\u00fcy\u00fcyen yasak bir s\u0131cakl\u0131k, vicdanla arzunun ayn\u0131 bedende \u00e7arp\u0131\u015fmas\u0131yd\u0131.<\/p>\n

Elini masan\u0131n \u00fczerine koydu.
\nDokunmad\u0131 ama aram\u0131zdaki mesafe ilk defa bu kadar k\u0131sayd\u0131.
\nO an i\u00e7imden ge\u00e7en tek \u015fey \u015fuydu:
\n\u201cBir insan, bir di\u011fer insan\u0131n varl\u0131\u011f\u0131na bu kadar muhta\u00e7 olabilir mi?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ama\u2026
\nTam o anda uzaktan bir k\u00f6pek havlamas\u0131, ard\u0131ndan kom\u015fu evin kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n kapanma sesi duyuldu.
\nSanki hayat birden hat\u0131rlatt\u0131 kendini:
\n\u201cDur. Burada nefes alan ba\u015fka insanlar da var.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 e\u011fdim.
\nAya\u011fa kalkt\u0131m.
\n\u201cGe\u00e7 oldu,\u201d dedim, \u201cgitmem gerek.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ali hi\u00e7bir \u015fey demedi.
\nSadece ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 hafif\u00e7e sallad\u0131.
\nKap\u0131ya kadar geldi ama elini uzatmad\u0131.
\n\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bazen uzat\u0131lmayan bir el, uzat\u0131lanlardan \u00e7ok daha y\u00fcksek sesle konu\u015fur.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

G\u00fcne\u015f do\u011fdu, fakat i\u00e7imde gece hi\u00e7 bitmedi.
\nG\u00fclizar\u2019dan haber geldi: \u0130yile\u015fiyormu\u015f.
\nSevinmem gerekirdi. Ama kalbim karmakar\u0131\u015f\u0131kt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Her \u00e7orba pi\u015firi\u015fimde Ali\u2019nin evi akl\u0131ma geldi.
\nHer yolda y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde, belki kar\u015f\u0131la\u015f\u0131r\u0131z diye ad\u0131mlar\u0131m yava\u015flad\u0131.
\nAma o\u2026 hi\u00e7 gelmedi.
\nKap\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7almad\u0131.
\nBelki korktu, belki sustu, belki de sadece insan kalmak istedi.<\/p>\n

Ve anlad\u0131m ki;
\nBazen en b\u00fcy\u00fck yang\u0131n, birbirine dokunmayan ellerin aras\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131kar.
\nEn b\u00fcy\u00fck g\u00fcnah, ya\u015fanan de\u011fil\u2026 ya\u015fanmak \u00fczere olup da kalpte saklanan \u015feydir.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ben Asiye. 36 ya\u015f\u0131nday\u0131m. Bu k\u00f6yde tek ba\u015f\u0131ma ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Ev sessiz, yatak so\u011fuk. \u0130nsan zamanla yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor san\u0131yor ama do\u011fru de\u011fil. Al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yor, sadece i\u00e7ine g\u00f6m\u00fcyor. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4832","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4832","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4832"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4832\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4835,"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4832\/revisions\/4835"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4832"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4832"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bilgitarif.com\/iyi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4832"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}